Ok, this one is good. A buddy of mine has had a (slight) fixation on this Girl for eons. To him she is the ultimate female, only he's fallen into the dreaded role of Best Friend. And yes, while there's nothing wrong with that, is does sort of limit things. We talked about it once, and I think the Girl represents something he would always want, but never have. He'd do anything for her.
A while back her grandmother passed away. Being the Best Friend (not to speak badly of it in a circumstance as tragic as the death of a loved one), my buddy tried to comfort her, as she was very close to her grandmother. While asking about the funeral, he kinda botched a line when trying to find out about how they were going to lay her grandmother to rest. Basically, he didn't know what they were going to do with the body, so he asked (fucking it up Big Time in the process) something to the effect:
"So is she being cremated or putting her in the ground... in... ahhh... [insert stray free-floating crack molecule entering the nose here] in one piece?..."
Needless to say the Girl freaked out at the sudden faux pas. He didn't know the proper burial phrase... well, if he ever stood any chance with the Girl, he was just setback about a gazillion lightyears. Sorry pal! As he's telling me this story he's laughing. He honestly made a mistake & was very sorry. He apologized profusely.
Then he told me. And then we kinda laughed about how fucked up it was. Then the gears started turning. An opportunity like this couldn't simply be passed up, hence...
Top Ten Things That Could've
Been Far Worse To Say
10. "Is she being buried or... do you believe in recycling?"
9. "Is she being cremated or... hey, you know, I have a compost heap."
8. "Maybe you could save some dough by folding her in half and burying her in
a kiddie casket..."
7. "Is she being cremated or... did you go for the All-In-One Family Loss Meal Deal, which comes with a mortuary service, a high-mass funeral, a burial plot remembrance, large fries and a your choice of beverage?"
6. "Is she being cremated, or... are you just gonna hit FRAPPE?"
5. "When she goes into the ground, will she be bigger than a bread box?"
4. "Speaking of cremation, did you hear Weber grills are on sale at Home Depot?"
3. "You know the ancient Egyptians used to remove all the major organs and bury them in separate containers? I'm just saying, cuz it's kinda cool when you think about it."
2. "She's being cremated? At least you don't have to worry about necrophilia."
1. "She's being cremated? At least you don't have to worry about necrophilia... That is, unless someone has sex with the urn."