I think I've come up with a new form of literature. Maybe. The concept is basically a film script that meant to be read, but never really acted out. The humor is in the hidden framework, the stage directions. It still cracks me up to this day, which is a hard thing to do. Like tickling yourself. Or that first time you devoured a giant hunk of unsweetened chocolate. I mean, it's not like there are warning signs posted all over the wrapper:
WARNING: THIS CHOCOLATE BAR IS NOT
WHAT IT APPEARS TO BE. IT IS, IN REALITY,
A TRICK DEVISED BY ADULTS. SURE IT LOOKS
YUMMY, BUT IT TASTES LIKE POO...
Let me give you a little background first. One night I had a very vivid dream. It was of a cityscape, half in white, half in black. Along the seam that divided the day and night there was a small speck. I remember zooming in on it and realizing it was a man. He was riding along the night. I named him Captain Midnight. He was there to protect us while we sleep.
As the day turns to night,
there is one who guards the light...
The half-baked story I came up with was that one day an ordinary Joe came across a creature from Dimension-N (The N standing for Night. A place where the only colors were red and black. Very stark.) The Alien died here while chasing a Villainous Scientist who sought to overthrow our time-space. With his last breath, this otherworldy visitor bestowed a great task upon Joe, to carry on protecting us during the night. After he died, Joe was left with the Aliens ship and various spaceage doo-dads.
All of the Captain's gear from the Alien looks either really cool or really stupid. It's "Super-Advanced Alien Technology Meets 1950s Good American Know-How!" His ship looks like a sleek, black, stealth plane that could outrun a case of Montezuma's Revenge. The only problem is that the interior looks like it was furnished by Nikola Tesla: there are vacuum tubes everywhere, throw switches and little analog readouts. Captain Midnight's gun looks as if someone turned it inside-out. That, or the Tin Woodsman threw up all over it... His watch looks like a Swiss watch-maker forgot to put a case on the inner workings and was doing some seriously bad drugs at the time.
The following scene is the only one in existence, I believe, that bases the plot on the Daylight Savings change. Enjoy.
While searching for the Villainous Scientist, Captain Midnight falls into a diabolical trap. He comes across the Villainous Scientist's lab, where he is waiting to destroy Capt. Midnight, who's accompanied by his trusty (but sometimes annoying) sidekick, Bobby.
(with an evil look in his eye, as most Villianous Scientist's have)
Well Captain Midnight, it looks like you and your annoying sidekick Bobby have fallen into my trap!
(with a sly/curious/"you haven't got me yet" look)
(with a "I know you were going to ask me that question!" look)
Which is I've chosen this late time to defeat you because I figured out your secret! HA!!!
(with a worried "which secret is that?" look)
Which secret is that, my unwashed foe?
(visibly hurt by that last line, but sporting a triumphant look anyway)
I happen to know that until precisely twelve o'clock midnight your powers given to you by Dimension-N aren't active! Leaving you an Average Joe, and defeatable!
(a grin creeps across his face, like a dog with no legs chasing a cat across the yard)
BOBBY'S eyes widen at the VILLAINOUS SCIENTIST'S revelation, he turns towards the CAPTAIN and then gazes at the CLOCK on the wall. Could he be telling the truth? Is the Captain in deep doo-doo?
Say it isn't so Captain Midnight, I mean, is it really true? Are you just an Average Joe? I thought you were always powerful.
I am, Bobby, don't worry. Why don't you just stay out of the way while I smash the bejesus out of the Bad Guy. It shouldn't be too hard, I'll take my time.
Yes! You've got to take your time, don't you Captain? It's too bad boy, that he didn't tell you. It must hard to see your idol, your hero, just a simple man. A man who can have all his teeth kicked out by a boot such as mine!
Try it, stinky...
That's it pretty boy!
The two opponents start duking it out. In the process they trash most of the LAB and the VILLIANOUS SCIENTIST'S pointless experiments. BOBBY is at a safe distance watching the fray. Every now and then he glances over at the CLOCK, checking the time. At one point the VILLIANOUS SCIENTIST has CAPTAIN MIDNIGHT pinned on a lab table, he is choking the CAPTAIN.
Look Bobby, I've almost got his face matching the color of his suit! Come take a look!
(gasping and garbling his speech because he's being choked)
Stay away, Bobby!
You okay, Capt ?
Of course I am. I'm just letting him win to make him feel good
He tosses the VILLIANOUS SCIENTIST around
It's not often that Villianous Scientists get to feel good about something... gak!
The VILLIANOUS SCIENTIST reapplies a rather impressive choke-hold to CAPTAIN MIDNIGHT'S NECK
Thank you for the pity. I think I will kill you now.
He gets a mean look on his face as he squeezes the CAPTAIN'S NECK even harder. A VEIN starts to bulge on his forehead.
(gasping for air)
Oh yeah, well...
I hope you can finish me off in two...
minutes, or when it hits midnight...
BOBBY looks at the CLOCK. The Captain is right. It reads 11:58pm. He wonders if he'll get in trouble for being out so late.
Two minutes, eh?
Yeah, now only...
Oh, I forgot to tell you Captain, Daylight Savings happens tonight. I didnt get a chance to set the clock back an hour, so you actually have one hour and one minute. Sorry.
(now really worried)
But wait, Captain!
Not now Bobby, I'm losing to the Bad Guy.
Shut up kid, I'm trying to kill this man!
The choking ensues. BOBBY looks at the CLOCK and then does some counting on his fingers. He has a hard look on his face, his tongue sticking out just a bit.
But Captain, it's important!
(two breaths away from death)
What is it, Bobby?
(now only one breath away)
He's right, it is Daylight Savings time, but the Villainous Scientist got it mixed up.
Turns his head towards BOBBY
What... What are you talking about kid?
It's April. Spring. You got it mixed up. It's Spring forward, Fall back! You got it reversed!
It means that he's been Captain Midnight for almost an hour now!
VILLAIN SCIENTIST'S eyes widen.
CAPTAIN MIDNIGHT'S eyes widen.
VILLIANOUS SCIENTIST'S smile turns to a confused look.
CAPTAIN MIDNIGHT'S confused look becomes a smile.
(rejuvenated from the realization he's been powered for quite a while now)
Quick thinking, Bobby! Now stand back while I bounce this guy around!
Sure thing, Capt!
I think I have to go pay my water bill...
CAPTAIN MIDNIGHT kicks the living SHIT out of the VILLIANOUS SCIENTIST, disregarding any acts of violence which should be avoided due to BOBBY'S presence.