So I came up with a few ideas that might work. I've listed them below in the order in which they were conceived. (Which I also someday hope to do with my kids...)
The Tan Thru WatchTM
I, like most folks, suffer from the dreaded "soda cracker white ass tan line" syndrome. We wear our watches religiously, and don't always remember to remove them during normal tanning situations. Some people, who wear their watchbands a bit loose, don't have such a degree of whiteness. I, however, do.
My idea is to invent a watch that has a small amount of tanning cream embedded in the wristband (and the backside of the watch.) The idea here would be to have the watch face acts as a sunlight gauge/mini photocell that would feed a microchip inside the watch. It is that chip that would instruct the band to release just the right amount of tanning cream, so you get a nearly perfect, continuous tan. Maybe the watchband color/style is an indicator to help you pick out the proper tanning shade.
The Tongue ScraperTM
I've been saying it for years: humans are wired wrong. Specifically, the geo-motor nerves connecting the tip of the tongue to the tip of the finger. Perfect example: you're eating a nice buttery bowl of popcorn, maybe watching Star Search or something. You get a corn kernel shell stuck in the base of a tooth and your ready to kill someone with your bare hands. You locate the little bugger with your tongue, using it as a guide while you move in with the pointer finger. Oh yes, the pain will be over shortly... NOT!
You can't find the damn shell! You know exactly where it is, you're tongue is pressing against it, but for the life of you, you can't find it. You try the "following along the curve of the tongue" approach. No luck. You try the "counting teeth with tongue and then counting with finger." Not a chance. You're in complete physical, mental, and spiritual agony. You're ready to Pray to the Popcorn Gods... but wait, not any more!
The Tongue ScraperTM is a small slip-on cover for the tip of your tongue (one size fits all.) It's made using the latest space-age materials, and at the very end is a small spatula-like tip to get those shells right out! All without ever having to stick your finger in your mouth. I mean, who knows where that finger has been? And how unsightly, especially among guests! The Tongue ScrapperTM also works wonders with small seeds and pieces of beef jerky. Once you try it, you'll never want to take it off. Except maybe sleeping, because if you happen to swallow it, you'd probably die.
Say you're driving along and get a flat tire. Oh jeez, there goes your day! You have to go digging in the trunk for the tire pump, or buy an under-powered can of emergency compressed air. Even worse, you could attempt to drive all the way to a gas station that might have a working air line, but it won't be free! Wouldn't it be great if having a flat tire meant playtime?
That's right, fill that tire and enjoy life, all at the same time with Jumpity PumpityTM! Remember all the fun you used to have riding those red rubber Hippity Hops as a kid? Well our team of engineers have taken that basic concept one step further. By attaching a small tubes to the Jumpity PumityTM (with a universal air gauge attachment) you can be hoping alongside the freeway, have the time of your life, while filling your tire. It doesn't get any better than this! And the Jumpity PumityTM fits into your trunk. It'd guaranteed to never crack, shatter or splinter for an entire lifetime [please note: normal rubber wear and tear, damage/accidental popping from sharp objects and any personal injuries obtained while riding the Jumpity Pumity TM are not covered by the warranty.]
Twister For The BlindTM
How simple is this? Get a vinyl sheet and stamp some Braille on it. It's got to cost way less than having all those colored dots put on it. And if you're not blind and want to play, then a simple instruction sheet on how to learn Braille is included.
Nicotine Flavored Condoms
This idea is actually an old one, but I was reminded of it when someone was talking about quitting smoking. How hard can that be? Wouldn't you want to help your partner stop their craving for nicotine? Maybe get a little teensy-weensy bit of lovin' in return? Those patches? To hell with 'em! They take forever to hit the bloodstream. You can curb the craving and help them with their oral fixation at the same time. Do I really need to say more?
Jesus Kraft Superstar
Wanna push the envelope on aerosol cheese? Want to also stop the defacing of public property in the inner cities? Why not do both at once! You can also provide a fun, delicious and nutritious meal in the process!
Borrowing from the idea of Cheez Whiz, you would take it one step further. Forget the large, unwieldy nozzle found on the top of every can. The Cheez accumulates around the rim and can lead to contamination. Why not put a regular spray can nozzle on it. And if you can do that, why not package it up to resemble a real can of spray paint. "What's next?" you ask.
You take a carton of these cans down to your local 'hood. You hand 'em out to the kids, directing them to a large wall you've constructed made entirely of cooked macaroni. "Give it your best shot homies!" you yell, and watch them go to work. In the end, you have edible art, that was fun to make, but even funner to eat!
Educational Road Signs
"The education system is falling apart..."
"Illiteracy is at an all-time high in the United States..."
We've heard it all before. Now what can we do about it? Well, my idea is to create some education road signs. People don't have time to learn during today's breakneck hours. They have mouths to feed, mortgages to pay. Why not have "drive-by learning"? In a culture so used to the concept of drive-thru food, and drive-thru photo developing, why not try it with education? See, I knew you wouldn't complain.
The Best Toothpaste You've Ever Eaten
Sounds funny, doesn't it? You're think, "You don't eat toothpaste, silly!" You're right, you don't. Not until now.
Get the best minds from Colgate, and the best cooks from Betty Crocker, what do you get? Toothpaste Cake Icing! Not only does it taste out of this world, but it's cleaning your teeth! Yum! We put together a test group of children who positively hated brushing their teeth and after trying some of our special cake, all we would hear is "Thank you sir, may I have another?!?" Kids, gotta love 'em. It's so easy to trick the little bastards...
Should I Poop or Should I Play?
That's what your cat will be asking himself once he's standing in his new Mars Rover Litterbox PlaysetTM. Take all the magnificent wonder of the Martian terrain and combine it with a litterbox. What do you get? Hours of fun for any feline! Your cat won't know where to begin. The special rust red-colored litter? How about the scattered rocks? And to top it all off, for a limited time we're including absolutely free, a miniature Mars Rover vehicle. The litterbox might just become your cat's favorite play area.