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On the way home I walked past a blue van. Nothing too extraordinary about that opening line; but then again it wasn't an extraordinary blue van. I'd say it was a late seventies model, the ocean's wind had taken its toll. A rusty smile. The back of the van was coated in bumper stickers. It had the required ones: a faded Greenpeace sticker, a "I'd rather be hand-gliding", "Happiness is being multi-cellular" and one other that stopped me cold. An adhesive atom bomb. It said, in plain black type on a white background: "Mermaids eat their young." What kind of statement was that? Why did it bother me so much? It's burned into my brain now, I see it floating over me while sleeping.
You think you've got a handle on things for a day, trudging home to stuff your brain in a glass with a couple of aspirin, when a foot long sign does a tap dance in high heels along your optic nerves. Not good. "Mermaids eat their young" was all I could think about for the rest of the week. How horrific, half human-half fish people gobbling down their children. Is that eaten with mustard or catsup? Lemon? Is it OK to eat them raw, like sushi?
I consulted a fish book, since 50% of them were of the scaled/finned variety. I know some animals eat their young, but those are animals, these mermaids have human heads (and presumably human brains.) Turns out that some fish do chomp down their kids, usually out of confusion or inexperience (being a mom doesn't come with a book y'know... and Dr. Spock hasn't released a Water Birth, Water Breath edition yet...) Some fish even let the babies flee into the parents mouth for protection from predators, a feat humans would find uncomfortable to say the least. But mermaids, who knows. Eating one's offspring does have its advantages:
- less trips to Safeway
- no worries about rising college costs
- no additions to your insurance
- no diapers, or big, hairy boyfriends with a nose-ring named "Mitch" (the boyfriend, not the nose-ring)
I needed a consultant, so I walked over to my fish tank and asked. I opened the lid and spoke down into the tank, lips close to the water. So far I haven't gotten an answer. No notes, Morse code or explanations spelled out in the gravel at the bottom. If I hear anything I'll let you know. If you have fish, ask 'em and let me know.
(update: After finding the same van again I rechecked the bumper sticker. Turns out it reads, "Metermaids eat their young." Guess I misread it the first time. There ain't nothin' wrong about that statement...)
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