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So I think I've developed this "thing." Ok, maybe I didn't just develop it. I've probably had my "thing" for some time, but am just now noticing it. The same thing happened to me when I started listening to the Police. How was I supposed to know they'd already been broken up for a few years? I'm always the last one to find out these little details.
Anyhoo, back to the "thing." It's kinda like a tick, or a nervous twitch. Kinda like it, but not really. It's not a "scary kinda," more like an "odd kinda." See, every now and then my jaw sort of wigs out. Spasms a little. It's like I'm chewing a piece of gum, only there's nothing in my mouth.
Ghost Gum.
Mystery Mastication.
The Phantom Chew.
I have no idea where it came from. My "odd kinda" twitch. Maybe I was a smoker in a past life. 27 packs a day or something. (I don't even smoke nowadays, unless I'm really drunk. Then I chain smoke, but don't we all? Hell, I'd stick a lawnchair in my mouth and light it up if I get enough Bass ale in me!) Maybe I was a baseball player. Or a cowboy. How about a professional gum tester? I could've been the greatest gum tester that ever lived. Maybe back in the days when they were still ironing out the kinks. Little things, like "We think it's best we don't add actual rubber to the mix." Or how about "This tree sap is great, except for the fact it seals your mouth shut and hardens. Also, it's too sweet."
I have no idea how to handle the Ghost Gum. Who can I talk to about this? A therapist? A psychiatrist? Guido, my Personal Psychic Advisor? I don't even know if this is a bad thing or not. I mean, it could be worse right? I could have some kinda disorder where every time I smell lavender I spread guacamole all over my body and run bare ass naked through the streets screaming, "ANYONE GOT A CHIP?!?" Now, that would suck. That would make this chew thing look pretty damn lame.
I mean, maybe I could use this to my advantage. Most cool people chew gum right? Like movie stars and sports figures. I don't know if the ultra-rich chew gum. Might be very unbecoming. Might wreak the tens of thousands of dollars worth of dental work. Maybe I need to develop a premium gum for the rich. Something I can charge an insane amount of money for that's nothing more than Bubblicious soaked in wine or caviar. Or duck. Ew. That sounds so nasty it might just work.
I'd be like a modern day Robin Hood. The twang of my bowstring would be the snap of overpriced, under-bubbled gum. Man, that must've been some really pure crack I smoked this morning
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