Let me present a history that led to the event in question:

e-mail to my friend Cara in Israel (Monday, Oct 13th)
Question for ya: do you consider yourself a Wheat Thin or a Triscut person?

Her reply (same day)
Neither.

Me (Monday still)
What? How can you not be Triscut or Wheat Thin? Don't tell me... matzo. What if you were trapped on a desert island & the only thing left to eat was a pair of boxes that washed ashore intact: Wheat Thins & Triscuts. Which would you pick? (Note: no cheese or veggie dip available, just raw wafer)

(It's here that you think to yourself, "Y'know, I love these in-depth, engaging conversations with Matt. It feels so good to touch upon such major philosophical issues...")

Her reply (Tuesday, Oct 14th)
...and I still don't like either. (Matzo, too, if you're asking.)

Me (same day, as a footnote)
Someday I will find out which cracker-type you like. I know there must be at least one. Maybe I'll call your mother. Maybe you're just not willing to admit you're a Wheat Thins person yet. I understand. It's a big step. Take your time...

Her reply (Wednesday, Oct 15th)
Why are you only giving me a choice between two chips? Neither of which I can get here anyway.

Me (same day)
Ok, let's say I threw a party & you dropped by. There's a table, nice spinach dip, a cheese log no one's touched, and 2 bowls: one w/ Wheat Thins, the other w/ Triscuts. You're starving. Which would you choose? What if you had to bring some, which chips would you buy?

Her reply (Wed. It's like 2am in Israel)
..and I repeat, it's been a while since I've even had the pleasure of eating chips (I'm in the fucking Middle East, remember - though I've seen Pringles lately), but I'd probably bring nacho flavored Doritos.

Happy now? And I guess if I had to choose, it would be Wheat Thins (oh how I hate Sandy Duncan) but I really don't like either. I'd eat the dip with my fingers or find some carrot sticks.

Me again (still Wed)
re: the chips, thank you.

Ok, that being presented, I will continue. Yesterday, while purchasing a box fan at the nearby Kmart I noticed an isle of chips. "Why not?" I thought to myself. I push the cart on down when low & behold, a box of Wheat Thins...

I'll admit it. I bought it. I'm man enough to say that. It was funny. I got a kick out of it. I'm a Wheat Thins person, I thought, "Hey, we've been discussing this all week, I'll buy a box."

Cut to today:

On the way out I grab the Wheat Thins. An idea is slowly beginning to stir in the back of my brain. Something I should've left alone...

I find an empty box, just perfect to hold a box of Wheat Thins. Could it be fate? No, that didn't step in until I came across some packing peanuts.

"I have to," I thought to myself, "I'm almost there already..."

So I'm here at work. I have a box of Wheat Thins. I have an empty box. I have some foam peanuts. I'm gonna go for it. I make a note that simply reads, "(party not included.)", fold it up, put it in w/ the Wheat Thins & then seal the box shut. I dig up Cara's address at work (in... ummm.... Jerusalem...) and make up a label.

Here's where Reason would've normally kicked in, but cut out early because it's Friday

I walk over to the post office w/ said package in hand. I wait in line. I get to a teller & am handed the standard customs form for overseas shipping. I think, "Christ, what can I possibly put to not ruin the surprise?!?" Then it hits me...

A puzzle.

Small box, when you shake it the small pieces rumble in unison and best of all, an x-ray would show a box of little squares. I know what you're saying, "But Wheat Thins don't look like puzzles pieces!" Yes, true. But this was not a normal puzzle.

Reason not only left early today, it took the little part of one's self that fears of imprisonment for falsifying international shipping document also...

I fill out the customs form & hand it to the postal clerk, already paranoid someone might catch a whiff of Wheat Thin emanating from my package. She asks, "Land or air?"

Christ! That's like "Plastic or paper?" I dunno! How long can Wheat Thins last? I ask, "Ummmm... How long would each take?"

"Well, by land, sea really, it'd be at least a couple of weeks. Shipping by air, it should be there in, oh, about a week"

A week? Is that too long for these little fellas? I was beginning to see my plan unravel before my eyes. But then, the Shipping Goddess spoke again,

"Or, you could send it express mail..."

Reason went to Vegas. Reason sold everything it owned to put down the amount of cash totaling all worldly possessions on a horse race. Reason bet on "Born To Be Glue" in the fifth. Odds, 900 to 1.

"Really?" I ask coyly, "How long would I take then?"

"Oh, 2 or 3 days."

Now that sounds like a reasonable window for freshness! How could I say no? I mean, I've left pizza out for longer & still eaten it.

"Ok. I'll take express."

Somewhere in the nether regions, in the darkest corner of Hell, a devil is laughing. He cranes his neck to get a glimpse of the one that fate overlooked. He sees desire in the form of a square inch wheat wafer. He cackles in delight hoping someday to talk to the man who shipped a box of Wheat Thins to Israel via express mail...

Now, let me say here that one cannot put a price on something like this. Sure I can send an e-mail & it take only a matter of minutes to arrive, but the ability to get a box of Wheat Thins across the globe in a matter of days... Have we really evolved this far?

In the two-story, TV laden betting room at Caesar's, Reason watches as "Born To Be Glue" comes in 12th place. One race late. No jockey anywhere to be found. With a note pinned to the saddle blanket that reads "(party not included)"

Shipping a box of Wheat Thins halfway around the planet ran me $26.50. That doesn't include the cost of the crackers. Pretty good deal if you ask me. Now, as I sit here & write this I'm thinking to myself, "2-3 days? I could've thrown in some spinach dip..."