First we have the green light. Ahhhh yes.... green. Green means "go", or does it? Actually the effect of green on humans is usually a subtle one. Green is known for slowing down one's perception of time. That's why you see all these hospitals and prisons that are painted "sea foam" green. What do we have it set to? The one light we see the least. It turns green, you go. No passage of time, only passage of car. Bad move. Wouldn't it make more sense if green was for the red light's job of stop and wait? You see green, you stop, you're waiting forever but it doesn't feel like it. Nope. See, green is already doing it's job.

Let's move to yellow. Well, this is a tricky one. Yellow is usually associated with hunger or thirst. Maybe the yellow light was a ploy created by the fast food companies. You're driving along and the green goes to yellow. You come to a stop and now you're thirsty. See, the fast food places know that while the yellow light sets off your thirst, it's during the red light you start thinking, "You know, I'm kinda hungry. Did I eat breakfast?..." Oh yes, they know the middle light was the sweet spot.

That leaves us with the top light, the red light. Now, the color red's sole purpose in life is to irritate you. Bother you. Red is a phony phone call, or a battery you just can't get out of the remote control.

So reasoning asks, "If red causes irritability and discomfort, why do we have to stop and stare at it?" Wouldn't it be easier if red were the bottom light? At least then you wouldn't have to look at it too long. Just cruise on through. "Hey Mr. Red Light, you sure are pissing me off... It's a good thing I'm just passing by."

Don't they send these engineer guys to school for this stuff? Think of how much better a place the world might be if we could just flip-flop the colors. Same meaning for the positions, we just get to relax at a stop. Wonder, "Hey, where has all the time gone?" As for informing the public about the change, send out a flyer or something. Maybe some TV and radio commercials.

And people that run the lights? Oh, I have a solution to that too.

Nowadays running a red light (or green, if you know what I mean) results in a minor fine., Something like $50. Big deal. Here's a $100 bill, can I drive through on red and then pop it in reverse and go back? Gimme a break! You want to stop people running the lights? Forget the expensive cameras. Forget the cops at every corner. Here's my solution:

I guarantee you will see the number of red light runners drop to zero overnight. I'd bet a year's salary on that. And what if they don't care? What if they are unfazed by the proposed punishment? No problem, switch to Plan B: we either 1.) make them go to the dentist, and if that doesn't strike fear into their hearts we fall back on 2.) Check their record for any overdue library books. Oh, they'll break. They won't want that little tidbit dragged out into the public arena. I think I might take the tax audit before that one!

It's funny what kind of things pop into your head while sitting at a traffic light, getting all ticked off staring at this glowing red ball. You want to defy that light. Take it out. Just launch across the intersection and crack that pole in half. Now, that feeling is worth $50. Hell, that's less than a therapist nowadays... But an audit? Forget it man. Let it go.